The Roving
Ram: Issue #3
By
Rams Nation Editor - - Brandon “Blankman” Cavanaugh
Hey there
Rams and Ramlettes, Blankman here. I know,
I know, it’s been a while since I last wrote and sincerely, I hope you’ll
accept my apologies for the extended absence as well as this large novelty
box of chocolates. No? Alright, how’s about another edition of the
faithful Roving Ram? Now that’s the spirit! Today’s edition will be
brought to you with the soundtrack of Audiovent’s
“The Energy”.
- Football’s
Back in Houston, ya’ll
Much like
the swallows returning to Capistrano, professional football finds its
home in the confines of Houston. There should be some brand of a Riverdanceish medley here, but I’ve neither the time nor the
balance. David Carr apparently took his virgin snap and handed off
to runningback James Allen, thus signaling the opening of the Sixth
Seal and it was spoken from on high, as if by a woeful angel “Allen
stopped for a gain of two.” Okay, maybe it was John Madden at the local
grand opening of Blimpie’s, but who am I to question divine indigestion?
- Panthers
Pay a Pack and Pick Up Peppers
The Carolina
Panthers have agreed to terms with defensive end Julius Peppers on the
22nd, terms of the former dual-sport Tarheel’s contract were not released right away, but rest
assured that he’ll be knee-deep in adoring females ranging from late
teens to….God only knows, actually. Now, the Panthers may have believed
Peppers was the best athlete available on the board when they drafted
him, but personally? I would’ve gone with the proven leader in Detroit’s
Joey Harrington. Yeah, just what you need right? Yet another schmuck’s
take on the draft.
- Chiefs’
Gonzalez Beats The Heat
Tony Gonzalez,
the heralded Kansas City Tight End, has pretty much taken his experiment
of playing pro hoops off of life support. Allegedly, Mr. Gonzo told
the NBA franchise that he’s gotta get ready
for camp. Just one slight problem here, he has yet to actually sign
on the dotted line and renew his ties with the Chiefs. You know the
story by now. Tight end wants to be paid like a wide receiver, tight
end wanders into NBA summer league, tight end aggravates ankle, tight
end returns to NFL franchise with no contract. Seriously, Hollywood
has spoiled this all for me.
- Fonoti,
Jammer Absent From Charger Camp
The Chargers
have begun their camp without their first two picks, the University
of Texas’ Quentin Jammer and University of
Nebraska’s Toniu Fonoti.
This brings back flashes of last year to the Charger table as LaDainian
Tomlinson and Drew Brees missed their share
of time before actually getting into their gear and onto the practice
field. Jammer may be nowhere to be found,
but I can tell you this much: Finding Toniu
is a rather simple procedure that can be accomplished with three words.
“Candygram for Toniu” (If you actually got that reference, feel proud)
- Former
Florida Head Coach Spurrier Begins Acclimation
Hey, they
can’t all be gems. Steve Spurrier, or as
I like to call him, “Visor Boy”, has started his very first NFL mini-camp
and gosh darn am I excited to see the Fun ‘N Gun flop quicker than Spy
Kids 2. Spurrier’s first words at the news
conference were “Shot 75 today.” Now, if I were a Redskins fan, I would
be just a bit worried that I am receiving handicap updates before finding
out that my team’s #1 draft pick is still holding out and a deal is
about as imminent as a 50-page thesis on Physics by Dubya.
Steve’s ammo bag of QBs include former Gators Shane Matthews and Danny
Wuerffel along with former Iowa State pigskin chucker Sage
Rosenfels. I’m going to quote Agent Smith from The Matrix
for a moment, “That’s the sound of inevitability.”
- Lambeau
Takes a Leap of Its Own
The home
of one of the NFL’s most tradition-laden franchises, that of the Green
Bay Packers, has impressed the likes of Reggie White so much, White
joked about coming out of retirement again. ``I remember at Penn State
we had mediocre facilities, and then when we got new ones and the whole
atmosphere of the program changed. The same thing's going to happen
here.'' said cornerback Bhawoh Jue.
Yeah, more restrooms and beer stands, that’s what’s gonna
win ballgames. Brett Favre and Ahman
Green, nothing, we can buy more 5 dollar sodas.
Man, you
just have to love this time of year. The months and months of anticipation
and waiting is almost over. The days pass
at an agonizingly slow rate until that final moment of kickoff and we’re
in bliss again for what seems like a few weeks. Cest
l