RudyCard Predictions - The Season
By Rams Nation's Rudy Hiers
Game 1 @ Giants: Rams 31 Giants 20
Warner and Marshall re-enact scenes from Poltergeist and server notice that
“They’re Back”
In what is considered not that big a “shockey” Jeremy ( 2 TD’s
in 2002) is kept out of the end zone by a young and wet behind the ears Rams
secondary. At one crucial point in the 1st half, Shockey is leveled at midfield
during a pass attempt by Tinosamoa and Archuleta, who savagely sandwich him
in the Rams variation of that classic American culinary delight “The Poi
Boy”
Bill Parcells upon hearing of Shockey’s trouble, sends over the cast
of queer eye for the straight guy to cheer Jeremy up
Michael Strahan, who received about 15 years worth of Ink out of playing against
a severely gimped up, one armed Ryan Tucker back in 2001, sues the league, demanding
that the Rams put Kyle Turley on the inactive list for this game, and play without
a RT.
In a tender moment at halftime, Brett Farve is brought out to midfield to present
a plaque to Strahan commemorating his NFL sack record. In a fitting touch, Farve
falls down while handing it to him
Game 2 San Francisco: Rams 34 49ers 17
Rams continue to exact revenge for the 90’s and make it 8 of 9 against
their arch rivals. In an eerie coincidence, they put up the same number of points
as the combination of goalposts punched by Ken Norton Jr and federal charges
against former owner Eddie De Bartolo Jr.
In a side note, Terrell Owens leaves the game in the 3rd quarter with Ink poisoning
as the sharpie he’s carrying in his sock bursts and leaks into a small
cut on his ankle
Game 3 @ Seahawks: Rams 24 Seahawks 20
Both teams are left shorthanded after both starting left tackles ( Walter Jones
and Orlando Pace ) get ejected after they start throwing punches at each during
warm up’s during an argument over who is underappreciated and underpaid
more by their respective teams. After the fight breaks out, Pace’s agent
Carl Poston runs up to the production booth, and demands Fox pay his client
84 million dollars for the Pay-Per-View rights.
Game 4 Cardinals: Rams 38 Cards 17
The St Louis blacktop workers union holds Bill Bidwell appreciation day at
the dome. Joining with them to celebrate things are sponsors the Acme feather
company, and the Missouri rail ( as in run out of town on ) corporation.
Warner and Faulk continue to make the doubters believe, and the Rams offense
returns to it’s 1999-2001 form of averaging 30 points a game
The Cardinals return to their ( ahem ) historic form as well
Game 5 Falcons: Falcons 27 Rams 24
Monday night, national spotlight, Al “Niner” Michaels and John
“ Turducken” Madden.
Lately, they’ve been the 4 horsemen of the Rams apocalypse.
For whatever reason it seems the Rams tend to come on flat on Monday nights,
and my senses are that the trend probably continues here, especially if Michael
Vick is back from his broken leg.
Irregardless, Doug Johnson in my opinion is capable of holding the fort while
Vick heals, and I believe the Falcons are an up and coming unit.
To me, it all adds up to the Rams first loss of the season
Game 6 Packers: Rams 45 Packers 13
IN the 3rd quarter, shortly after throwing his 5th INT of the game, Brett Favre
leaves the huddle in a fit of rage and heads up the visitors tunnel, vowing
never again to play anywhere where the temperature is over 25 degrees. As he’s
interviewed after the game, he blames the INT’s on poor vision caused
by dandruff flakes getting into his eyes, carpal tunnel syndrome, a hyper extended
forehead tendon, and severe athletes foot.
Michael Strahan calls Favre after the game on the locker room phone to offer
support, whereupon Favre promptly falls down while picking up the receiver.
Game 7 @ Steelers: Steelers 26 Rams 14
Unlike the song made famous by Meat Loaf, this two out of three is bad for
the Rams, as the Steelers, the hostile environment of “ketchup”
field and the ghosts of Super Bowl 14 combine to hand the sleepwalking Rams
their 2nd loss in three games.
By the way, with all due respect to the late Ray Malavasi… Waddy is still
wide open.
Game 8 @ Whiners: Rams 27 49ers 20
Season split? We don’t need no stinkin’ split!
Rams split the end zone three times and Wilkins splits the uprights twice
During the game, a petition is passed around 3com, with Niner fans hoping to
gather enough signatures in attempts to force the erasure of all NFL history
before 1981, along with legally renaming all 9 planets in our solar system to
Montana, Young, Rice, Walsh, Lott, DeBartolo, Clark, Craig, and Candlestick.
In a related note, Chris Berman has announced he is forming a presidential exploratory
commission in preparation for seeking election in 2004. He and running mate
Al Michaels have stated that if elected, that there will no longer be 50 states,
just one gigantic one, and that the country would then be known as the United
State Of Montana.
Game 9: Ravens: Rams 33 Baltimore 13
Before the game MGM holds a press conference and announces that they’ve
signed Art Modell, Bill Bidwell and Georgia Frontiere to star in a new movie
franchise titled the “three carpetbagteers” A sequel is already
in the works, with MGM currently in discussions with Al Davis to star as the
“king of all carpetbagteers” The carpetbagteers famous motto ”All
for one and All for me!” rings throughout the dome
After the press conference Al Davis promptly sues the studio, claiming that
since early film stock was comprised of silver nitrate, and he owns territorial
rights to the word silver and all it’s derivatives, he thus owns all rights
to any and all media in perpetuity. Al Davis’ clone then sues Al Davis,
claiming he has territorial rights to any and all Al Davis likenesses and or
existences, thus he’s entitled to any and all monetary compensation paid
to Al Davis. The case goes to trial, whereupon the jury of 12 Al Davis’
are charged with juror misconduct, and a subsequent mistrial is declared by
Judge Al Davis, with a new trial date to be issued for the fall. The law firm
of Davis’, Davis’, Davis’ and Davis’ has been retained
by all parties involved.
Game 10: @ Bears: Rams 24 Bears 10
The only thing the number 46 has to do with this game, is that’s the
number of TD passes Kurt Warner is on pace for after throwing 3 in this game,
including two to fast rising wideout Kevin Curtis who is back up to full speed
after his leg injury.
Da Bears get Da stroyed and all Chicagoans go home, heat up the kielbasa, toss
in the super bowl shuffle video, toss on the headbands and leg warmers, and
reminisce about 1985
Game 11 @ Cardinals: Rams 34 Cardinals 17
Well, what can’t you say about Bill Bidwell? Well for one, the word winner.
Marshall Faulk runs through the Cardinal defense like bad Mexican food through
a digestive tract in this, the 2nd meeting between the have’s and never
have’s.
Game 12 Vikings: Rams 42 Vikings 24
Viking Coach Mike Tice announces that the “Randy Ratio” now stands
for the number of plays Moss actually hustles, as opposes to those he just takes
up valuable space on the football field. To compound Randy’s troubles,
it’s Meter Maid day in the city of St Louis and the stands are full of
uniformed ticket givers with itchy pen fingers. The scene gets ugly in the 4th
quarter, and Moss has to be taken off the field under a rain shower of flying
ballpoints.
Game 13 @ Browns: Browns 31 Rams 28
Rainy days and Monday nights, always get the Rams down and Kelly Holcombe and
the Dawg pound are too much for the Rams
Pace’s agent Carl Poston uses the national spotlight to announce that
in order for the Rams to sign his client to a long term deal, his contract demands
are that the Rams give Pace, the entire Franklin Mint Elvis’ commemorative
coin collection, a complete set of ginsu knives, all the blue M & M’s
in the world, free lifetime meals at the Sizzler, the Mississippi river, the
M and two I’s in Missouri, the US gold reserve at Fort Knox and the entire
country of Brunei.
Game 14 Seahawks: Rams 28 Seahawks 27
Tough game at home against an improving Seahawk team, but the Rams prevail
and go 6-0 in the division and clinch the NFC west for the third time in 5 years.
After the game, Georgia rushes down to the podium and states that this title
is for all the people except for those dirty stinking rotten SOB’s back
in Southern California who were only making her 10’s of millions instead
of the 100’s of millions she is of course rightfully entitled to in life.
Game 15 Bengals: Rams 37 Bengals 20
The Bengals? Ok, much too easy a target, but let me say that hiring Marvin
Lewis was a master stroke, and that people won’t be laughing at the Bengals
much longer.
That being said, the Rams take care of business and clinch home field advantage
throughout the playoffs
Game 16 @ Lions: Lions 24 Rams 17
Mooch and his merry men squeeze by the Rams back up’s as the starters
are rested for the upcoming playoffs
PREDICTED RECORD : 12-4
Playoff predictions to come…
Till next time!